Sunday, July 18, 2004
Fear, coming in different forms are starting its attack on me again. I'm starting to have qualms about everything. They come in pairs, don't they?
When you start to fear, you become skeptical at the same time. I fear certain people. I fear certain things. I fear certain places. I fear therefore I get all jittery. To cast the mind-wrecking angst, I get nonchalant & all wind-up tight like the spring in a toy car. I explode & hit people right in the face. I didn't mean to but it's true I did.
Friends no longer stay they way they were back then. I get pressure. Stress I hate to receive. Stress that are uncalled-for. I stop meeting some for a reason. X asks questions I hate to answer. X asks questions of which my own parents don't even ask. X's concern has become a stress for me. A burden of which X fails to see that has been added to my back. I appeared chirpy as I always appear to be. I'm starting to fear X, someone I thought I can be so comfortable with. I'm starting to hate X. Hate X for stepping his/her foot into my life. Hate X for the concern given. Concern which I don't need. Thank you but seriously, I don't need it from you. Give me a tad breathing space will you? Don't make me hate you deeper. Just stop putting your filthy hands into my life. I am satisfied with what I have. You are not me. You won't know what I want in life. I am not you, stop putting your priorities in life into mine. Stop stuffing food I hate into my mouth. Haven't you heard? One man's meat is another's poison.
Do you understand? I need comfort, assurance, support & love in the way I want them to come in. MY WAY. Not yours. Enough is enough. Just scoot outta my life. I don't need stress-dispenser friends. Period.
... If only I can say all this in X's face
// she's beautifully chaotic at 2:10 AM >> 