Saturday, February 28, 2004
I shed. It's been a long while since the last. I didn't expect myself to be so affected still. It's been almost 2 years yet it just seemed like yesterday? Was talking to Alywn last & everything just came back. Like a shattered glass bottle, the glass pieces flew right up into me & it cuts.
I've never told anyone the actual story cept for those really close ones & those who are strangers to that person. I don't want words to start flying to her. Singapore ain't exactly big. Besides, being trained for the industry, I decided this was the best way. I wonder. Why are human beings so vunerable? Why can't we be like diamonds? Strong, sparkling with attraction & be loved by everyone. Why can't we be like babies all the time? We can just throw out our emotions like a frisby. It's tiring you know. The mask we all wear. It seems so flawless on the outside but it's worn & torn on the inside. It's glued to tight to me that it hurts when I try to tear it off. Scars built like railway tracks. Tears flowed like tap. The difference is, it can't be turned off.
Both of us just have too high a pride. We look as though we're still the same but we know it. It's just not the same. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I closed myself up too tight. Maybe...maybe....maybe....we'll be like this for the rest of our lives? I had a sudden thought last night. Will she even bothered if I'm dead one day? I'm thinking too much.
I need chocolates.
// she's beautifully chaotic at 9:18 AM >> 